Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Laying it all out on the table.

In the last 6 months, many of you have followed me in a journey that both you and I will never forget. Many times you see the posts, positive, uplifting and memorable a few of you who have friended me on my personal page and on occasion see the posts that indicate that it isn't always easy. So today in an attempt to help you understand the journey that myself and my children have traveled in the last year I will be laying it out on the table, all of it.

Seven months ago I was a married woman, two biological boys and two adopted boys and life was fairly normal. My husband had a good job working with a great company, we were renting a house out in the country and enjoying the relatively close friends and family after moving to Texas in January. We attended Bar-None Cowboy Church where the boys had some great men and women guiding their learning while we sat in on the Sunday sermon each week. To the outside it was a picturesque christian family with the standard minor bump and bruises one might expect in life.

On the inside it was a tough struggle as honesty and integrity were not the staple of my spouse, it made me a sad, emotionally strained and often times nagging wife. I have no excuse for my responses and I am learning every day how to balance my responses in spite of others behaviors ( I'll let you know when I figure it out). One of the most devastating parts of the marriage was pornography, it is in my opinion one of the most vial, most utilized tools of the devil one might experience next to addictions. This was our life.

June 24th came and thus the introduction of hundreds of people to the life of our son, his condition and the overall need he had for prayer, we all needed prayer. You watched and waited, anticipated and prayed with us as God took our son from a crumpled mess to an amazing miracle, and you rejoiced with us as the journey unfolded. While so many of you complemented the faith you felt was displayed, you were in your responses such an intricate part of the healing process for me, as the prayers of many accomplish so much. I will never be able to thank you all individually for your prayer and support so please take this as a Thank You!

While some people may begin to read this and think, what is the relevance of this to Elijah? I hope that you will take the time to finish it so that you may better know how to direct your prayers as we have a journey behind the journey you see.

After returning from Rehabilitation with Elijah, all my boys were home in the same house and life started to normalize a little bit, though things between Eric and I were not normalizing at all.

He was angry, very angry. Angry at God, my mother for driving, angry at God again, angry at the church for their lack of response, angry at God. The defining moment in our marriage came when I saw him texting someone, when I asked who he responded "that's none of your business". I can officially say I lost it, after weeks in the hospital taking care of my child, monitoring and managing the care of our other 3 children who were also in San Antonio with friends while I was down there, I realized that he had had weeks of time to feed his anger and to seek comfort in places that may or may not have been appropriate. The end result was an altercation between us, Eric left that night. He returned home one time afterwards, it was not good, he left.

He filed for divorce on Sept. 21st, he traded his car in for a Jeep ( I felt like I had been stabbed, my son almost died in a car accident how could he think this was ok?). As with all divorces there were discussions, arguments and so many other things that go with it. Throughout this time my concerns were securing support and insurance for the children, Elijah needed the insurance, so do the other kids. In order for there to be support Eric had to have a job. I knew that the Jeep he had traded had never had the financing secured so I asked the attorney to award him the vehicle I was driving, though I knew it would jeopardize transportation for myself and the children I also knew that him not having transportation would jeopardize his ability to maintain a job thus risking financial support and insurance coverage. Making such a decision was not easy but I felt it was the best decision given the circumstances of his current vehicle.

On Nov. 27th, the divorce was finalized. A week later he requested the car because the dealership was requesting the Jeep back. I dropped the car off at the local bus station, stashed the keys and left. I don't know that the kids even reacted much to this, but for me leaving behind my source of transportation was difficult though I felt it was a necessary evil to make sure he kept his job.

God has plans that are beyond our understanding and despite my carefully considered planning. Eric was fired from his job Dec. 14th, the situation that led to the firing is undetermined at this point, but I have been told a number of things by various people. You can imagine how I took this news. Monday morning I went to his former job location to find out what I could about COBRA cost. I was informed that the insurance was terminated the day he was fired. I was devastated, I quickly learned that COBRA would cost $673 dollars a month just to carry Elijah, not my other boys, just Elijah.

I can not begin to explain all the details of everything that has happened in the last 6 months. At the beginning of this post I started by saying "7 months ago I was" so I will now finish this post with.... Today I am a single mother, I have no insurance, no income, no vehicle and due to circumstances that have no control over I will need to find another home to rent. After 11 years of marriage, my life had drastically changed, my children's lives had been rocked with an assault they never saw coming and through it all they are still doing well! Sure these things are impacting them, and yes they cry and wonder why all this is happening from time to time but ultimately they are handling it stoically with amazing strength. Yesterday was rough for me, especially realizing that getting Elijah to Cincinnati is now going to be tougher than ever with no income to cover COBRA ( COBRA is necessary for him because Medicaid does not go outside the state). As I was digging through some paperwork while sitting on the floor Elijah came in and saw me, as I looked up he said "you don't feel good momma?" to which I just replied "no, I don't feel good today." He just said "well that's ok".

So, if you want to pray for Elijah, Ethan, Josiah ( he is currently staying with a friend due to behavioral issues) and Jeremiah pray for there hearts, their security, their stability and their faith.

God does not lack in His mercy. He has steadily shown His amazing ability to sustain me and my children and for that I am forever grateful.

The point in all this is that I don't want people to see the posts and think, this amazing child, and his amazing family and think that because we post positive things that there are no negatives. We have our ups and our downs, we have our moments of crying, breaking apart and feeling like all is lost but the reality is, it isn't all lost........

God is in control and all this is simply "Beshert" or rather "meant to be". The end result will be glorious and I am confident that the hearts of many will continue to be blessed by the amazing miracle of my son, his faith and his confidence.

Thank you for your care, your concern and your prayers.

            May your Christmas be blessed because this is truly the most wonderful time of the year!!  

No comments:

Post a Comment