Life is Awesome..... and then there's Alzheimers... and Anniversaries......

No really it isn't a joke at all. My life is currently almost exclusively Awesome! Awesome's diapers, Awesome's hungry, Awesome's being held..... yep it's Awesome. I am beyond blessed to finally hold in my grasps a beautiful baby girl that we have affectionately named Awesome!

Life has been quite a blur lately but I can honestly say that it's been a good blur. Boys, baby, grandparents, husband and soon I'll be taking classes again :) Compared to so many other times I can say that the hustle and bustle has got me tired. No i think it's more like really exhausted but not the give up it isn't worth it kind but rather the fall into bed lets do it all again tomorrow kind.

So lets talk about the not so awesome.... Grams has Alzheimers and I have had the privilege of being around Gram a lot lately (that's the awesome part of the not so awesome) and while each moment is bitter sweet, for Grams it has become mostly bitter. She is very confused and very unhappy and while we all know it's not really Grams talking it's still a lot to swallow and hard on those who care for her.  I think I'd nominate my Mom for Sainthood for accepting the challenge of living with Gram and I'd love it if I could grant my Grandfather patience and a blind eye that would only see the good and be able to forget the bad times when she is wearing him out over returning home (where ever that may be for the day). I love the moments when she holds Awesome and is delighted and content, confident in her ability to sooth and rock her but like all good storms the rain gives way to thunder and lightening fast. Gram can quickly become irritated if Awesome is squirming or even whimpering and that requires quick evasive action to ensure that the irritation is not long lasting. Then there's the constant packing.... remember she's going home..... and the trips to the bathroom, and the questions........ oh the questions......

"Where's my purse? Is it raining outside? Where am I? Who's house is this? Why can't we go home? I have three kids right? Is this my table? What's today? What are we doing here? Why can't we go home?

It's most always confusion and frustration mixed with a total inability to grasp any of the answers so you just answer and wait to answer again! However in the middle of it all there is this sense of amazement..... there are moments when I'm exhausted and I think seriously what is the deal why would God even think about doing this to someone.... why would He think about putting people through this day in and day out...... it's a slow fade and she didn't get a choice in this...... so why?  Ultimately I can't answer that but what I can say is that I have never been so blessed..... there are these little moments throughout the day, little nuggets of gold gleaned from my grandparents that really can not be replaced by anything else....

So what do Awesome, Alzheimers and Anniversaries have in common? Moments...... they are moments..... and every moment counts.

One of the most blessed days I have had with my grandparents was the day of their 60th wedding anniversary. The day started out like any other...... they got up, got dressed and proceeded out to the living room for breakfast and medicine..... socks and shoes..... all the normal daily grind that we face. Like any other day a trip to town is a great thing to do when you have nothing else on your schedule so we loaded up in the car and headed to Shreveport ( I think that's where we went lol ) and like any other day I expected a quiet ride, grandpa typically sleeps and grandma sits quietly in the back talking to Awesome.

Gram quietly asked from the back seat, "what's today" and Grandpa answered her "it's our 60th wedding Anniversary!" Sixty years Gram exclaimed, "I can't believe you've put up with me that long". Grandpa responded "I think it's been the other way around!"  About thirty minutes later Grandpa began to tell Grandma moment by moment the events of their wedding day..... where they were as each minute passed in the car as the timeline of the day passed it was met with little word pictures of their wedding day from start to finish..... from dressing and hair to the preachers prayer to lines from their vows...... every now an then he would say "do you remember that" and sometimes should would respond.... I remember..... Listening to him tell her the event he knew so clearly that her mind would no longer allow her to retain, the gentle reminder of a day so sacred that most think they will never forget it, at least not by choice and yet here Gram sat 60 years in and almost clueless to their accomplishment..... Moments...... simple moments.... What a blessing it was for me to hear the love and dedication on that day.... a private time in the car that had I not been driving I would never have heard the delicate interchange of love.......

All the while as I help my Gram it makes me think of a southern gospel song that over the years I have loved so dearly....... it goes like this....

Hold tight to the sound of the music of living,
Happy songs from the laughter of children at play;
Hold my hand as we run through the sweet fragrant meadows,
Making mem'ries of what was today.

Chorus: We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.

Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling,
For Daddy to hear just what she has to say;
And my little son running there by the hillside,
May never be quite like today.

Tender words, gentle touch and a good cup of coffee,
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay;
Hold them near while they're here and don't wait for tomorrow,
To look back and wish for today.

Take the blue of the sky and the green of the forest,
And the gold and the brown of the freshly mown hay;
Add the pale shades of spring and the circus of autumn,
And weave you a lovely today.

Gram can no longer weave her "lovely today" but on that day Grandpa did something for her by weaving her a lovely day. I hope that as I age I will have and experience the same opportunities to hold tight to the moments with my family to weave memories for myself and for others and if and when my mind disappears someone will be there to weave me a lovely day......

More lyrics http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/gaither_vocal_band/we_have_this_moment_today-lyrics-318634.html#ixzz3bfiC2E24

What's the purpose?

I often wonder, "what's the purpose for all this?" and "Why are we taking this journey?" "What could possibly come of this?", but honestly it doesn't matter! I'm constantly seeing realities that tell me nothing is in vain when you recognize that God really does have it all under control. Wait a minute He doesn't have it under control, He's controlling it. He's got the good and the bad (at least what we think is bad).

Isaiah 47:5

 I form the light, and create darkness:

I make peace, and create evil:

I the Lord do all these things.

To all those who'd like to say that it simply doesn't mean what it says. You can call it calamity, you can call it evil you can call it what you want, but I'd rather believe it is what it is and that He really is the author of EVERYTHING! I know that there are MANY MANY debates about this verse, but for me I'd rather believe that the "care" and "preservation" of the Word is just as relevant to this verse as it is with all the others.

I don't want to serve a God who created a world where something caught Him by surprise. I don't want a God who didn't plan the good and the bad together. We do it all the time, we call it calculated risks. We make decisions knowing the realities, we manipulate what we can control to ensure the outcome is as we would like, the only difference between us and God is that He is the Author of it all. We just get to play a little in the world, He gets to work all things out for His glory.

I am amazed at the journey we have taken so far, the good, the bad and the ugly but none of it is a shock to God, because He's not piloting and waiting for a surprise. He's got it all within His control.

Remember that the next time you think you're at the mercy of the world.

I will make History!!!

The last few days I've been contemplating what I would write about next. The funny thing is that when I have to think about it, there are tons of ideas that run through my head but none of them seem blog worthy in the end, mainly because I veto them before they have a chance to flourish into a post or even a full sentence for that matter!

So today as I was folding laundry I noticed my nephew's shirt had a statement on it. In big bold letters it says "I will make history". I couldn't help but find the irony in this statement. You see we're all making history one way or another. We make history as we live our lives day in and day out, with the people we meet, friends, family and even the meaningless encounters with people we don't know. Every step we take will send us another direction, some will step the same path over and over repeating mistakes and bringing misery, others will find new direction and in doing so find a way to create a new path and a better existence. With all the talk of politics and guns, I have quickly realized that the shirt represents an idea that I'd love for my children to embrace, I will make history, a history that will be talked about, not like we talk about our today.

There is no shortage of posts on facebook concerning the day to day events of our lives and I don't want my kids to look back on my little history day to day or even the big history of our country and realize that I didn't do that much to "make history" and that I let others "make it" for me. It would be a real shame. It made me think of ways my life has been impacted by others "history".

While out doing family research I came across an epitaph that still to this day makes me wonder, what would my "history" look like in a simple statement, on a stone, would it stand out enough to make others think? Would it be something that would impress someone even after I'm gone?

This one did..... a simple statement

 "Defer not till tomorrow to be wise, for tomorrows 'sun on thee may never rise".

- William Congreve - 

 

 I don't know a thing about that family member but what I do know is he made history for me by leaving words on his stone that reminded me to think about the current day wisely because the next was not promised. I'll never forget his epitaph and the value those words had to me. 

Most of the time when we think about making history our mind lingers towards, laws, historical stories, popular figures of the past and even a few people who have made an impression on us in our very short lives. Rarely do we stop to think about the history we are making daily. Every day, the decisions we make, the patterns and paths we follow are slowly making an impression on those we know, be it parents, children, nieces, nephews, neighbors, facebook "friends", spouses and friends.

          The history I've shared with people I've known for years is often scattered with the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a long saga of triumphs and tradgedies that sometimes I'd rather not remember. I look back on many of my years and wonder, what if anything would I change and how would that have changed the history I've left with others? There are a times I know that even my personality, character and motivations have altered the outcome of a seemingly empty event or conversations, leaving behind a memory or a thought that will forever stay with the people I was around at that moment and the end result is permanant, it's history.

Today, strive to "make history" that is positive, uplifting and life changing! History that will encourage others to think about things in a different way, gain a feeling that helps them continue a journey they have long desired to quit or even do something that will make a difference to them. When you effectively pursue a life that "makes" history then you can know that your accomplishing something, don't let others make your history for you!!!

Laying it all out on the table.

In the last 6 months, many of you have followed me in a journey that both you and I will never forget. Many times you see the posts, positive, uplifting and memorable a few of you who have friended me on my personal page and on occasion see the posts that indicate that it isn't always easy. So today in an attempt to help you understand the journey that myself and my children have traveled in the last year I will be laying it out on the table, all of it.

Seven months ago I was a married woman, two biological boys and two adopted boys and life was fairly normal. My husband had a good job working with a great company, we were renting a house out in the country and enjoying the relatively close friends and family after moving to Texas in January. We attended Bar-None Cowboy Church where the boys had some great men and women guiding their learning while we sat in on the Sunday sermon each week. To the outside it was a picturesque christian family with the standard minor bump and bruises one might expect in life.

On the inside it was a tough struggle as honesty and integrity were not the staple of my spouse, it made me a sad, emotionally strained and often times nagging wife. I have no excuse for my responses and I am learning every day how to balance my responses in spite of others behaviors ( I'll let you know when I figure it out). One of the most devastating parts of the marriage was pornography, it is in my opinion one of the most vial, most utilized tools of the devil one might experience next to addictions. This was our life.

June 24th came and thus the introduction of hundreds of people to the life of our son, his condition and the overall need he had for prayer, we all needed prayer. You watched and waited, anticipated and prayed with us as God took our son from a crumpled mess to an amazing miracle, and you rejoiced with us as the journey unfolded. While so many of you complemented the faith you felt was displayed, you were in your responses such an intricate part of the healing process for me, as the prayers of many accomplish so much. I will never be able to thank you all individually for your prayer and support so please take this as a Thank You!

While some people may begin to read this and think, what is the relevance of this to Elijah? I hope that you will take the time to finish it so that you may better know how to direct your prayers as we have a journey behind the journey you see.

After returning from Rehabilitation with Elijah, all my boys were home in the same house and life started to normalize a little bit, though things between Eric and I were not normalizing at all.

He was angry, very angry. Angry at God, my mother for driving, angry at God again, angry at the church for their lack of response, angry at God. The defining moment in our marriage came when I saw him texting someone, when I asked who he responded "that's none of your business". I can officially say I lost it, after weeks in the hospital taking care of my child, monitoring and managing the care of our other 3 children who were also in San Antonio with friends while I was down there, I realized that he had had weeks of time to feed his anger and to seek comfort in places that may or may not have been appropriate. The end result was an altercation between us, Eric left that night. He returned home one time afterwards, it was not good, he left.

He filed for divorce on Sept. 21st, he traded his car in for a Jeep ( I felt like I had been stabbed, my son almost died in a car accident how could he think this was ok?). As with all divorces there were discussions, arguments and so many other things that go with it. Throughout this time my concerns were securing support and insurance for the children, Elijah needed the insurance, so do the other kids. In order for there to be support Eric had to have a job. I knew that the Jeep he had traded had never had the financing secured so I asked the attorney to award him the vehicle I was driving, though I knew it would jeopardize transportation for myself and the children I also knew that him not having transportation would jeopardize his ability to maintain a job thus risking financial support and insurance coverage. Making such a decision was not easy but I felt it was the best decision given the circumstances of his current vehicle.

On Nov. 27th, the divorce was finalized. A week later he requested the car because the dealership was requesting the Jeep back. I dropped the car off at the local bus station, stashed the keys and left. I don't know that the kids even reacted much to this, but for me leaving behind my source of transportation was difficult though I felt it was a necessary evil to make sure he kept his job.

God has plans that are beyond our understanding and despite my carefully considered planning. Eric was fired from his job Dec. 14th, the situation that led to the firing is undetermined at this point, but I have been told a number of things by various people. You can imagine how I took this news. Monday morning I went to his former job location to find out what I could about COBRA cost. I was informed that the insurance was terminated the day he was fired. I was devastated, I quickly learned that COBRA would cost $673 dollars a month just to carry Elijah, not my other boys, just Elijah.

I can not begin to explain all the details of everything that has happened in the last 6 months. At the beginning of this post I started by saying "7 months ago I was" so I will now finish this post with.... Today I am a single mother, I have no insurance, no income, no vehicle and due to circumstances that have no control over I will need to find another home to rent. After 11 years of marriage, my life had drastically changed, my children's lives had been rocked with an assault they never saw coming and through it all they are still doing well! Sure these things are impacting them, and yes they cry and wonder why all this is happening from time to time but ultimately they are handling it stoically with amazing strength. Yesterday was rough for me, especially realizing that getting Elijah to Cincinnati is now going to be tougher than ever with no income to cover COBRA ( COBRA is necessary for him because Medicaid does not go outside the state). As I was digging through some paperwork while sitting on the floor Elijah came in and saw me, as I looked up he said "you don't feel good momma?" to which I just replied "no, I don't feel good today." He just said "well that's ok".

So, if you want to pray for Elijah, Ethan, Josiah ( he is currently staying with a friend due to behavioral issues) and Jeremiah pray for there hearts, their security, their stability and their faith.

God does not lack in His mercy. He has steadily shown His amazing ability to sustain me and my children and for that I am forever grateful.

The point in all this is that I don't want people to see the posts and think, this amazing child, and his amazing family and think that because we post positive things that there are no negatives. We have our ups and our downs, we have our moments of crying, breaking apart and feeling like all is lost but the reality is, it isn't all lost........

God is in control and all this is simply "Beshert" or rather "meant to be". The end result will be glorious and I am confident that the hearts of many will continue to be blessed by the amazing miracle of my son, his faith and his confidence.

Thank you for your care, your concern and your prayers.

            May your Christmas be blessed because this is truly the most wonderful time of the year!!  
                                                                                         Nicole